As delightfully fabulous as the bona fide luxury health spa experience always is (and I have described it enough times already), an unarguable part of the fun (for me at least) is anticipating the return to the Real World where fish and chip shops abound, and my haste in getting to the railway station shop to obtain Maltesers, Frazzles and a Fruit Shoot before catching my train home was more than enough to restore the balance between my serenely fuzzy spa-induced benevolence, and my more usual slightly panicky and nearly-outraged-about-nothing-in-particular public travelling persona. And not a moment too soon; unbeknown to me, horseracing had been taking place at York and upon alighting to change trains I sought immediate reassurance that the riots had not restarted over on Parliament Street, since the entire contents of a provincial branch of New Look appeared to be on defiant and slightly pissed show along the concourse.

One hour later I was finally home – to happy fishes, not too much laundry and yes, a phone full of ‘ru free tonite bb‘ style text messages from the previous few days; I have recently learned that ‘bb’ in this context (and I use the term loosely) apparently no longer means what we industry folk would ordinarily assume it does and is instead an abbreviation of the forgetful punter’s favourite, ‘babe’ (ie. I would like to stick my penis in something, but don’t really care who/what) as obviously this is one word that really needs whittling down a bit. All expertly dealt with by my new assistant Ms SMS Blocker (since she was not formally introduced the other week) whilst I watched Three In A Bed and ate my battered haddock with my free hand (again; sorry to disappoint, AW readers).

I marked the remainder of the holiday week with a nice trip to the beach for the first time in an age, and have enjoyed proper fried donuts with granulated sugar and sand (£2 for four now! At least Dick Turpin wore a mask etc, etc) a spot of sandcastle building with the smaller folk and a lovely paddle amidst the donkeys, seagulls and pink-skinned holidaymakers, many of whom had not anticipated the scorching sun any more than I had and unfortunately left their sunblock in Leeds. Fortunately I escaped any severe ill-effects by staying well covered up at all times (whilst out in public at least) but even then, a distinctly stingy warmth about the neck was evident an hour or two on, and I suspected my usual body scrub routine at bathtime would have been ill-advised (an executive decision was made to skip it). Photo of the cliff lift included for the gentleman who was asking about it too – if anybody actually did see the Scarborough episode of TOWN the other week, please forgive me for feeling rather fluffy about our beautiful town, and not a little smug.

Anyway, back to the grind (of sorts) this week and I am available during the posted hours here – since the school holidays tend to be a quieter time for ladies everywhere after disregarding the aforementioned ‘bb’ optimists, I will be endeavouring to continue my life’s work in attempting yet more home improvements over the coming week; same day appointments will not be available at all, unless you have a Ronseal habit or a bit of a thing about Kingspan board and want to help! As most will have seen, I will be setting off excitedly for the Isle of Man next week and am looking forward to my first visit – I will confess to being somewhat behind on emails since I got back, but am certainly on the home straight now and apologies to those still awaiting a response. Anyone wanting to book for Cardiff would do well to do so in the next few days as availability is going faster than anticipated, and I’m not around for long…

Update before the weekend! Normal service is (gradually) being resumed…

As much as I would like to have stayed to enjoy a few more hours in this lovely city, it was not to be and the opportunity to sneak in a return trip to the SS Great Britain, which has taken over from Battersea Power Station as number one of my list of current favourite permanent(ish) structures (along with, needless to say, the Clifton Suspension Bridge which I was lucky enough to see on the way out for dinner with a much missed old acquaintance yesterday evening) was lost. My entry ticket, however, is valid for a year and since I have been planning a more in-depth investigation of the South West for some time I daresay I will be back, if only to get another look at the engine and propeller plus maybe weaken just enough to buy a little model ship and Brunelesque stovepipe hat in the gift shop.

The beautiful ship is worth a special mention, having just celebrated the fortieth anniversary of her return to Bristol from the Falkland Islands, incredibly being pulled 8000 miles on an enormous pontoon without any real incident (although judging by the photographs, looking a little the worse for wear in much the same dignified way as all the grandest of ladies are wont to do following a difficult and lengthy international journey). I myself have not forgotten my snarling, wild-eyed, Captain Caveman-like appearance when I finally made it home after being awake and travelling for almost thirty six hours in order to get back from Shanghai a few years ago – a bit of rust, a few cracks in the hull and the odd barnacle are trivial details by comparison, believe me. She now rightly resides gracefully in dry dock in the Great Western Dockyard where she was built and launched in 1843, and is well worth a visit if, like me, you are particularly impressed by very large mechanical devices and also like me are secretly (or not-so-secretly) a bit of a transport and engineering anorak.

My stay also included my first ever visit to the supermarket leviathan that was the local ASDA, which resembled an airport and exhausted me completely with food-variety overload; strange though it may seem I honestly do not believe I have ever shopped at one of these, fortunate as I am to have local shops a couple of minutes walk away and a moderately sized Tesco with a delightful view from the car park not too much further. A couple of bags of shopping for my visit took over an hour to seek out, although once the initial shell shock wore off, the experience was not unpleasant as such, although I will be very happy to return to normality and the cool, reassuring embrace and lack of confusing variety in Costcutter, Marks and Spencer and the fruit and veg stall in the precinct.

After repeated prior warnings about the rain proved to be entirely valid, I spent a wet Tuesday night at the pictures following a cancellation (and I can highly recommend Toy Story 3, especially being smugly in the know now about the special glasses after my Final Destination 3D experience in London a few months back, when I discovered that removing my own prescription ones predictably hindered viewing and it was indeed necessary to wear both) although this did not save me from getting drenched on at least three other occasions and the torrential downpour on Wednesday afternoon in particular was deafeningly loud and insistent enough to distract my companion and I, although not for very long, and a fine time was hopefully had by all.

Visit over, I left my accommodation promptly before ten, and having still found no practical solution to my suitcase problem, action was needed; thus here I am, £52 lighter after springing for a new train ticket but otherwise cheerful as ever and looking forward to home, goldfish and yes, more DIY. I will be back in Scarborough for around 4pm today and business will be as usual from tomorrow – I am particularly happy to be welcoming back a couple of particularly lively and charming gentlemen before my Glasgow trip and Thursday daytime/Friday afternoon and evening are already fully booked. I will also be continuing the finishing-off bits of the bathroom and beginning the hallway, so once again, reasonable warning please! I am told the school holidays have now begun and appreciate that plans can change very quickly but if we have not met before, please be aware that as much as I would like to, I do not lounge about all day beguilingly attired in lingerie eating Charbonnel & Walker Violet Creams and if you could see the state of my work-in-progress apartment, you would soon realise why.

New photos on the way (along with woodworm updates, for those who have asked)! Watch this space…

Unfortunately I have also had guests of the uninvited variety – Anobium Punctatum, or the common furniture beetle; yes, a woodworm by any other name is still a woodworm. More fortunately, my aforementioned two-legged visitor happens to be (amongst other things) an expert in these matters and has reassured me that the little bastards are unlikely to eat my apartment, confined as they seem to have been to a single picture frame containing one of my favourite acquisitions. Apparently they like plywood.

Chemical warfare was sought out and purchased, newspaper laid, all doors closed – the treatment is lethal to aquarium fish and needless to say I have been fretfully worrying about the fumes all weekend, despite wearing two pairs of gloves for spraying and changing clothes (well, pyjamas) afterwards.  The beloved objects of my concern have been happily digging in the gravel, stuffing themselves with thawed out bloodworm and showing no signs of distress whatsoever, completely oblivious to the unpleasant business in the very next room and I believe I have got off fairly lightly, although I will be repeating the treatment in a few weeks just to be on the safe side. Once again, the glamour value of my daily existance is unequivocably proven …to be not much, although I did recklessly celebrate until I felt a bit sick with a very fetching array of smart Belgian chocolates presented to me by a kindly caller early in the week.

Bathroom news and the job is almost finished; among other things I have this week successfully and without incident put together a flatpack cabinet in under two hours, bought fixtures, framed prints and lovely new towels and discovered that silicone lubricant is superb for removing excess mastic from hands. Who knew? The next main-ish job will be underway shortly, but is unlikely to affect day to day operations bar a day or two where someone other than me is going to be wallpapering – needless to say I will keep things up to date here.

I know that some have already noticed the ‘QUESTIONS’ box to the upper right, and whilst I am the first in line to cynically denounce the likes of Facebook and (God forbid) Twitter, Formspring.me is proving more interesting, any and all questions are genuinely welcomed and I can say with complete confidence that they WILL be answered! The only exceptions (and I admit to deleting two so far, but it’s early days) are those which are so badly composed as to be unreadable; text speak is surely not an appropriate way to address a complete stranger and since I do not reply to booking enquiries written thus, I’m afraid I will not be spending my free time trying to decipher and respond to sentences with no vowels, structure or discernable purpose. A little effort reaps rewards. Honest.

To this week and Bristol – I will be preparing and packing tomorrow; there are pockets of availability left but not many, and I am planning visits to the Clifton Suspension Bridge and hopefully the zoo (although since discovering that there is no Left Luggage at Temple Meads, my plans for kicking up my heels and making a day of things on Friday have been curtailed somewhat). I will be back in Scarborough next weekend, and here for a week before heading off to Glasgow.

Back to the toolbox lingerie drawer for some gentle stocking-pairing (or whatever it is people think I do all day long). Until next week…